There are countless ways to talk about, and have, sex.
But, if there’s a topic more difficult to discuss with the person you actually perform the act with … I’m not sure what it is.
Learning how to discuss this subject with your spouse is the path to creating a better sexual relationship. And this conversation isn’t just about what you like and don’t like, or wish your lover would do or not do. This can be a conversation about who initiates, and how. What does this, or that, mean to you?
The point is, mustering the courage to talk about sex with your spouse will reap huge rewards.
One thing that trips many couples in the sexual arena is unmet expectations. The main problem is that often these expectations are unspoken.
Let’s say you make a move for sex, your spouse responds positively and you both have a pleasant experience together – but you weren’t looking for pleasant … you wanted “sweaty, you do me, then I do you, then we do each other together while waking the neighbors” type of sex.
I believe expectations are really planned disappointments. And this disappointment is all but guaranteed when you fail to speak up.
This doesn’t mean you don’t pursue your desires.
It means you must learn to adjust and adapt as your pursuit unfolds.
We don’t always get what we want in this life. And sometimes, we get more than we want!
Gina and I just did a show on Sexy Marriage Radio on this idea (see above). And I recently came across a section in a book that can help you and your spouse get more on the same page when it comes to the kinds of sex each of you are interested in, or willing to participate in, or sleep through.
The Stages of Married People Sex, via the metaphor of going out to eat (adapted from: Ironwood, Ian. The Ironwood Collection Of Alpha Moves.):
- Drive Thru – This is the bare bones maintenance sex, the “lie back and think about your day”, “Honey, I’m too tired but you go ahead and do your thing”, “If you really need it I’m here for you but try not to wake me up” kind of sex. Emergency sex. Sex when it’s not necessarily about anything other than tearing one off. School-night sex. Eye contact is optional. So is consciousness.
- Golden Corral – No-frills sex, usually no more than one or two positions, without more than token foreplay but with eye contact, kissing, a sweet nothing or two. Expectations are low for both of you. Orgasms are often optional, but pleasantly received. Post-coital pillow-talk beyond the basics is unnecessary.
- Pizza – Light to medium foreplay, oral but not necessarily to orgasm, kissing, intercourse with at least two and up to four positions. Moderate to heavy pillow talk afterwards. Comfortable, pleasant, “was it good for you, too” sex. Friday night sex, not Saturday night sex.
- Chinese – Medium to heavy foreplay, oral usually to orgasm, major kissing, intercourse in three to five positions, moderate pillow talk afterwards or between the first and second course. (It’s Chinese . . . you’re usually horny again an hour later). Usually you can’t consider Chinese or above with kids in the house. Not if you do it right.
- Italian – Saturday Night sex. Sex after a genuine date, usually casual, but you definitely got a sitter. Maybe a few drinks or a concert. Public displays of affection, hand-holding, suddenly pulling her into a corner for extended smooching, making out in the car, maybe a little light foreplay on the way home. Sex in at least four positions, likely twice (or once but for an extended period of time), with mood music and appropriate lighting. Light fantasy play and toys are also a possibility.
- Continental – High Fantasy sex. The kind of sex you have when the kids are at the grandparents for a three-day weekend, you have the house to yourself and access to soundproofing. This is where you may experiment with costumes, role plays, apparatuses, etc.
- Four Star – Hotel sex. It’s in a class by itself. You put even the most demure wife (even husband) in a nice hotel room and the possibilities of invoking her inner slut are limitless. Hotel sex is a fine art, and like fine art it’s ridiculously expensive. There are countless ways to cutdown on the expense for a creatively-minded couple, but unless you’re fulfilling your cheap hooker fantasy at a local hot sheets rooms-by-the-hour motel, you’re going to spend a couple of hundred bucks on this. It’s worth it. Two or three nights of Four Star hotel sex a year can go light-years in keeping your marital relationship fresh.
What helps you discuss this topic with your spouse?