Confessions From The Erotically Challenged

Sex and Intimacy

Post written by Dr. Corey Allan

So my wife and I have had the realization that we are/were erotically challenged.
But, thankfully, we’re a work in progress.
Through the course of our 19 year marriage, we’ve had some good sexual encounters, even some great ones, but these were more the exception than the rule.
So we began wondering and discussing why.
As I’ve written before, sex is a language. Sex is also leftovers.
Within each couple it plays out like this: there are certain things that you are not comfortable doing, and there are things your partner is not comfortable with, so you will do whatever is leftover.
It’s sex according to the lowest common denominator.
While there’s nothing really wrong with this, it can create a fairly utilitarian and boring sex life over the long haul.
Think about the times you and your partner have sex.
How would you categorize it?
You will fall into one of three categories.
The sexually dysfunctional.
The sexually functional.
The blessed few.
The interesting thing is, most people think that other people are actually having better sex than them. It’s like we have this idea that other couples are swinging from the chandeliers and are wildly passionate and erotic.
When actually, there are very few couples that comprise the blessed few.
Hence the name – blessed few.
The reason there are few couples who discover this category is it takes a tremendous amount of growth, maturity, intimacy, eroticism, passion, to enter the realm of the blessed few. And often this isn’t even possible until you’ve grown up more and developed as a person.
I believe you couldn’t handle a blessed few type of relationship when you’re young.
There’s not enough you present yet.
This is why research continually shows that sexual satisfaction is higher in married couples who’ve been married longer. Age (or cellulite or wrinkles) and sexual satisfaction are positively correlated.
Don’t believe me – answer me this: Are you a better lover now than you were early in your marriage?
I bet your answer is yes.
But even claiming you’re a better lover will only last for so long. What about your raw sexuality? Your erotic nature? How in tune are you with this side of you?
If you’re at all like me, you’ve barely scratched the surface of this side of your sexuality.
Part of the reason for this is it’s part of a developmental process.
Like I stated earlier, it’s extremely difficult to tap into the erotic, raw sexual nature within us when we’re young.
At this point, it comes across all machismo and testosterone smothered. It’s really not all of your being yet. It lacks the depth and solidness that makes up the intimacy required to connect with a full grown, sexually awakened, erotic woman. It’s been stated that the reason God gave young men the ability to become almost instantly erect is so they’ll at least have something to offer in bed.
A grown up, healthy woman is going to want more than an instant erection!
The other reason is our social, religious, cultural, and family upbringing.
Most men today (myself included) were raised to be the “nice guy” or the “good boy.” While I don’t want to go too in-depth about this, it is important to note that in most religious/Christian/spiritual circles, a majority of the men fall into this category.
Research I’ve found on this issue shows that women like to date the “bad boy,” but they want to marry the “good guy.” While I completely understand this, what happens years down the road when the “good guy” becomes … frankly … boring.
Especially in bed.
And due to the nature of systems, this likely will stunt the growth and development of the woman’s sexuality as well.
So when you couple this with the fact that many women already suffer from their own insecurities about their sexuality, you’ve got a recipe for routine, monotonous, boring sex. Sex made up of leftovers.
And you’ve also set up the scenario where you both begin to believe that “vacation sex” is as good as it can get.
Is this just me or are there others in the same boat?
I’m working to take up residence in the camp of the blessed few. And now that my wife and I have over 19 years experience with each other, perhaps we can.
If you’re interested in applying this journey to your relationship, one step is joining Sex On Sundays – enrolling begins Thursday!